Letter: Confession

Dear XX,

I don't mean to disturb your peaceful life. I am here to make peace with you. However there's something I must confess to you.
Your "banish" ceremony is not working. I am still attach you and I can feel about you.
I am thinking about you all the time, like a mother worrying about a child.
"Do you eat well?"
"Do you sleep well?"
"It's winter, make sure you keep yourself warm."
I am having love sick. I can't eat well, sleep well, and I miss you like crazy.
This is kinda awkward for me.

I must admit that this is the deepest connection I ever had, the best moments in my life.
I should have treat you more gentle and expressing more feelings to you. However I was unable to do so 'cos I have been lone ranger for years. I wonder why do the person that love each other ended up being so harsh to each other?
I am sorry that I was being defensive,argumentative, and aggressive.My aunt pointed out that I have been too fierce. Now I have toned down a bit (perhaps due to transits).

I always like the way you are. I never want you to change. I didn't mean it to make you feel that you were humiliating yourself.

I was emotional 'cos I got attach to you. I didn't know what to do about it.
It was my fear- the fear of losing someone had triggered me, from the depth of the psyche.

Until last Saturday, I was overwhelming by the energy. I couldn't take it anymore and burst out of tears.  I started to understand that this is a past life connection. It seems like I have know you quite long time, perhaps a few life times ago. Perhaps I used to lost you before. That was why part of me want to see you; part of me want to hide from you forever. However I am glad that I am feeling better right now.

I must confess that I wasn't being the truest of myself. To be honest, I am always bold and daring, most of the time not being shy at all.  I am not into dating games. I never being intimate with any guy before, it is about bear the responsibility for the consequences. I didn't responded much to your playfulness. I felt like I was flirting/texting with machine. I am a bit old school. I prefer to have human interactions, such as listen to their voices. Without facial expressions, miscommunications occurred easily.

You were addicted to those exchanging energy activities, with the false portray of me in the dreams,
Indulging with too much is no good according to the Taoist Alchemist. It might lead to losing energies of Yang. Plus I wasn't at nearby, able to attend to your needs. Please don't judge what did I say. Actions speak louder than words. I don't think my love for you is lesser than you offered to me previously.

My love for your is Universal kind of love, abstract and hard to be understood. Yup, that's Venus in Pisces. However my love for you is always intensive (Scorpio ). I don't wear my heart on my sleeve is- to protect myself.

Please put in my shoes, a girl that never intimate with any guys before. Do you expect she knows everything? You have to teach her from A to Z. Remember you said you want to teach me. It must be trained from Level 1 to Level 10. You gotta lead the girl! Not by asking her willingness before both parties invest into a relationship. Girls liked to be conquered by the guys. I know you were being nice to get the consents. However, remember we used to create those dreams together, including our fantasy!
But you never see the real me or hang out with me before. Later your "online order" is different from "product delivery". Oh no, so disappointing. I understand, darling. Perhaps I shouldn't think too much for you. Sex is normal and natural, however it takes time for the right atmosphere. If someone keep on asking me my tendency, this gonna stress me out.

Remember, I am here to make peace with you. I am not native speaker. Just to clarify, when you said " I was the cause."- Was is a positive or a negative phrase? When you mentioned like that, of cos I must take good care of you. Taking care of others is my human nature. That was nothing to do with me, I didn't know how did it happen?

I was raised as an atheist by mum. I am not religious but rather spiritual. I am not into mantra at all. When you asked me prayed to Akhir Budyah I didn't feel anything at all. I don't believe in Black Magic. There's nothing free under the sun, must rely on our hands to make things work. You were not my desiree at all before those dreams. I only connecting to you after those dreams.

The real me is intuitive, imaginative, like to crack jokes, bubbly, like to giggle, pulling legs of my  friends and family; can be forgetful sometimes, clumsy all the time; and lecturing family for not having table manners occasionally. I always want to be the matriach of the family. I am not a good gf; but I can be a good wife. Mum has been trained me since young, emphasis on responsibilities and duties of mine as eldest sister.

It was shamed on me for learning English & communication skills for years yet created misunderstanding and miscommunication with you. Serve me right that I had screw the opportunity. Thanks for discussing kids with me, it was kinda nice of you. Sometimes I wonder when on earth I would have my own baby. I wish I could self-breeding. Hahaha.

These are the truth , believe it or not? You decide.
If you don't buy into them, I couldn't say anything at all. I am not nearby you to fight for this love. It was my bad and my lost.I wish nothing but the best for you. Sometimes when you love someone, you gotta set that person free.

Still, I express my gratitude to The Universe that I had met you, which I appreciate always.
Don't you agree that it's hard to get 2 persons with the same navamsa chart? Most likely are the soulmate connections from the same souls' family.

Remember to eat on time ( I don't eat on time) and sleep tight. Please keep yourself warm during the winter.
I always want you to be happier. 'Cos I notice you don't smile at all(in your picture), stay cheerful always.

Please send my regards to your grandparents. Just tell them I am your pen pal will do.
As I always love old people and babies.
Hope to hear from you soon.
God bless you, Amen.

I dedicate this song for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE87rQkXdNw
P.s: gosh, such a looong letter like A-Level's exam papers. Lol.

Yours truly,

XOXO